Beans

Written By: Sam Omiotek
  • Comments: 0
Beans

Difficulty

Easy

Steps

11

Time Required

2 - 4 hours

Introduction

The GOAT of cheap foods. A canvas with unlimited potential. Healthy, full of fiber, low glycemic index, great carb-to-protein ration, and entertaining side effects. You don't even need a kitchen to cook beans, just a pot and a hot plate.

Ingredients:

  • One pound of beans
  • One pound of bacon
  • One yellow onion
  • Two bell peppers
  • Two jalapenos
  • Salt or bouillon
  • Pepper
  • Garlic powder
  • Cumin
  • Oregano
  • One can of beer (optional)
  • Some dried chili peppers (optional)

All ingredients are optional except beans, salt, pepper, garlic powder, cumin, and oregano.

All images were created with Stable Diffusion. Viewer discretion is advised.

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    • Make sure you can avoid long periods of time in enclosed spaces with other people for the next 24 hours.

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    • Some say this isn't necessary. It isn't. It's entirely optional. I don't know why I do it. It just makes them cook a bit faster.

    • Put a pound of your favorite beans into a pot with water and let them soak overnight.

    • Don't ever use canned beans. They are more expensive, worse for the environment, and taste like metal.

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    • Chop:

    • One yellow onion

    • A couple bell peppers

    • A couple Jalapenos

    • A pound of bacon

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    • Get the pot you will be cooking the beans in.

    • Cook some bacon in the pot.

    • Do not cook it past chewy. You don't want crispy bacon here.

    • Pour out the some of the grease if you are more concerned about saturated fats than flavor.

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    • Add the vegetables you chopped into the pot and cook until softened, stirring once every two minutes.

    • Appreciate how incredible your old gross apartment is going to smell for a while.

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    • Discard the water you soaked the beans in.

    • Or don't, if you're into that sort of thing.

    • Pour the beans into the pot.

    • Add water until the beans are submerged about two inches.

    • Don't add too much water. You can always add more, but you can't remove any—like cutting a 2x4.

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    • Add whatever spices you like to the beans and stir!

    • Mandatory:

    • Salt (or your favorite bouillon)

    • Pepper

    • Garlic powder

    • Cumin

    • Oregano

    • Recommended: coriander, paprika, chili powder, bay leaf.

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    • Get two cans of light beer.

    • Pour one can into the beans (trust me).

    • Drink the other can as a reward to yourself for cooking beans.

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    • Do this if you want to add major flavor to your beans:

    • Throw some dried chili peppers into a separate pot of boiling water.

    • Anaheim, ancho, pasilla, mulato, guajillo, chipotle, àrbol—pick your poison.

    • Turn the heat to simmer and steep the chilis for 15 mins.

    • Pour the chilis and water into a blender and blend until liquified.

    • Add to the beans.

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    • Simmer the beans and stir occasionally until they are done, at least a few hours.

    • Test for doneness by eating a bean.

    • Anticipate that the beans will firm up a bit once they've cooled.

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    • Enjoy the fruits of your labor and invest all of the money you saved into a low cost, diversified index fund in a tax-advantaged retirement account.

Author

Sam Omiotek

Member since: 25/02/19

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